Facial Hair 911
If there are two words that can send any woman into a full-fledged beauty-emergency, it’s these:
I’m not talking about facial hair on men. Facial hair on men is great. In fact, women enjoy seeing this stuff on husbands, boyfriends, male friends and colleagues. Ask any woman and she’ll tell you that five o clock shadow can be attractive on a guy. A goatee can be attractive. On a guy.
What’s not attractive is seeing it on the face blinking back at her from the bathroom mirror.
The good news is that we can fix it. We have the technology. Women—and men, too, for that matter—can shave, pluck, wax or bleach. Electrolysis is another option, during which individual hair follicles are zapped with a miniature cattle prod, prompting owner of said follicles to reconsider any former aversion to five-o-clock shadow. And gaining in popularity is laser hair removal, which sounds like something from the future or at least from Star Wars, but I hear they can do a lot of hairs at once with no pain or discomfort. Chewbaca had it done and turns out, under all that hair, he’s a dead ringer for Charles Barkley. Who knew?
Whatever our gender, when it comes to hair, we go to great lengths to feel attractive. As far as I can tell, there’s one approach that, as a society, we have yet to embrace, and it’s this:
Facial hair fashions for women. After all, what could be healthier than a generation of women who stop splitting hairs over their teensiest flaws and try embracing their bodies in a more natural state? A generation of women who stop going into cardiac arrest whenever they’re conducting a lipstick check in the rearview mirror and suddenly realize the extent of their own moustaches?
I looked up “facial hair fashions” on the internet. I had no idea there were so many to choose from! So far I've counted seventy four styles of facial hair. Everything from five-o-clock shadows to bushrangers, which are wild full-face beards accompanied by moustaches and sideburns. You want handlebars? Vandykes? Fu manchus? How about Dalis, Door-knockers or Don Littles? Everyone’s heard of a goatee, but have you ever seen a marooned hulihee?
All of which gives me hope.
As a woman, if I can’t win the battle against facial hair, maybe I can at least name it something interesting. After all, when it comes to stuff that makes us wince and moan, a little euphemism can ease the pain. This is why love handles is more tolerable than, say, bulging pockets of fat. Laugh lines is preferable to wrinkles. Voluptuous is always better than plump. And wouldn’t you rather glow than sweat? And no matter WHAT William Shakespeare says, a zit by any other name is NOT a zit. Sometimes it’s a temporary pore obstruction and if it’s a really big one hanging on the side of your cheek it can also be referred to as birth control.
With this in mind, I went back over the list of men’s facial hair styles looking for anything had a kinder, gentler sound to it. Anything that sounded, well, even a little bit feminine. Seems to me if I’m going to adopt an actual style for my facial hair, I want it to sound airy. Enticing. Pretty, even.
For example, I wouldn’t mind sporting The Velvet Fuzz. Or The Butterfly Wing. Or The Chiffon. Something that implies a little texture without going overboard with the testosterone.
Unfortunately, almost every style there sounds really masculine, like The Iron Jaw or Viking Beard. In fact, out of 74 styles I could only find one that sounded vaguely fashionable. It was The French Fork, but I don’t recommend it. I tried growing one for a month before I gave up and called an electrologist. When she answered the phone, I said “I’d like to have a French Fork removed from my bottom lip.” She told me to dial 911.
Karen Scalf Linamen is a motivational and inspirational speaker and the author of nine humorous self-help books including Just Hand Over the Chocolate and No One Will Get Hurt,
and Due to Rising Energy Costs the Light at the End of the Tunnel Has Been Turned Off.
Visit her at www.karenlinamen.com.